Divorce Day is a Myth: Autumn through to Christmas is when the families we work with need us most
Every January, without fail, the press talks about “Divorce Day”. There is usually a familiar narrative:
Christmas has been survived, the decorations are packed away, and family lawyers brace themselves for an influx of new instructions.
After nearly twenty years practising as a family lawyer, I can say with confidence that this has never reflected my experience. The busiest period in my working year is not January at all. It is the months between September and Christmas. And rather sadly, that pattern repeats itself year after year.
When people return from a longer summer break, they have often spent more uninterrupted time together than at any other point in the year. Without the day-to-day distractions of work, school runs, activities, caring responsibilities and packed diaries, the underlying strains in a relationship can become much harder to ignore. What can be tolerated, managed or postponed in busy life may feel impossible to overlook when time is quieter and more concentrated.
Some relationships come to an end. Others are tested. And for many, there is a strong desire not to carry uncertainty into the New Year.
Over the years, I have come to recognise several patterns and groups of people who seek help at this time of year. What follows is rarely sudden. Instead, there is a steady build from September through to December for many reasons for each of the families we work to support. Each group need something slightly different – not just legally, but in terms of pace, approach and support.
One group who often benefit most from this time of year are those whose matters began twelve to eighteen months ago. By late Autumn, much of the work has often already been done. Financial disclosure has been exchanged. The computation exercise is largely complete. The options are understood, even if they remain unresolved. The milestone of Christmas and the prospect of a New Year can have a real focusing effect.
At this stage, I often see positional negotiations fall away, replaced by a more principled and pragmatic approach. People start to concentrate less on what they should hold out for, and more on what will genuinely work for everyone involved, to allow them to move forward with certainty and to live separately and apart.
I never underestimate how difficult it is for families who continue living together long after separation. Financial reality often makes finding two homes and two new lives difficult without significant compromise. As a result, people can end up treading water for far longer than is healthy, for them or for their children.
For this cohort, settlement before the end of the year can be transformative. We often see a swathe of resolutions in November and December. Clients finish the year with greater certainty, a clearer picture of the future, and the confidence to take the next step forward. Divorce and separation require adjustment from everyone, but being able to move into a new chapter with a settled framework can make an enormous difference.
Another group are those who have been unhappy for a long time, or who emotionally separated months or years ago, but who have yet to say out loud that the relationship may be at an end. We all carry stories, and it can be extraordinarily difficult to share those stories with a partner – particularly when doing so requires honesty about deep unhappiness and the possibility of separation. For these people, we always try to make time, even when diaries are full. Simply being listened to, and having a calm, confidential space to explore what the future might look like, can be hugely valuable.
Nobody should walk away from a marriage or long-term relationship without first understanding whether there is another way forward. The clear exception, of course, is where there is abuse or safeguarding risk, when safety must come first.
When clients in this group come to see a family lawyer, they are often nervous, frightened and emotionally exhausted. Whilst it is not possible to solve everything for them in a first meeting, what I can do is listen carefully, provide information, and help them think about their options. These are not people who act quickly. Marriages rarely break down overnight except in the most extreme circumstances. It often takes six months, a year, or longer before they return, if that is the path they eventually choose. But when people are properly listened to and treated with respect, they often do return, because they have been given space to think, sometimes for the first time.
Closely linked to the above group are those who reach out feeling utterly stuck. These are often people I have spoken to periodically over time. They are unhappy but paralysed by fear of what change might bring. They worry about their children, about finances, about housing, and sometimes about a partner with vulnerabilities for whom they have assumed a caring role. The weight they carry is often obvious.
When problems feel insurmountable, there is a natural tendency to think that you need all the answers before making any decision. In my experience, that belief is precisely what keeps people frozen. Family law – like family life – is very much a process. One of the ways I approach the work I do, and the difficulties families face, is by breaking things down and dealing with one issue at a time. Movement rarely begins with solutions to everything. It usually starts with the basics:
Only then does the process move on to fuller financial disclosure, longer-term housing considerations, and final settlements. Nobody has all the answers on day one. If you feel you must have them before you can move forward, it is entirely understandable to feel overwhelmed.
At Family Law Partners, my team and I are fortunate to work alongside an in-house therapist. That means we can confidently signpost clients to emotional and therapeutic support where appropriate. It is not a family lawyer’s role to tell anyone whether they should separate or remain married. What we can do is provide information, tools and support so clients can move forward in a way that is right for them and their family. If separation does happen, we will be there to guide them. If it does not, they will at least have faced their fears with greater clarity helping them to make informed decisions.
Another group I often see who wants solutions at this time of year are those who are in a different emotional place to the person they are separating from and are pushing for solutions and certainty as they want to move on. They may have processed the end of the relationship quietly over a long period. By the time they seek advice, they are ready to move on and want things resolved swiftly. Their partner may not be there yet.
It is very common for one person to be emotionally ahead of the process. That does not make them unreasonable. But it can create tension if expectations about pace and cooperation are not carefully managed. What feels like constructive progress to one person can feel rushed or destabilising to the other.
Part of my role is to help recalibrate expectations. Family law cannot move at the speed of emotional readiness alone. Information needs to be gathered, and both parties need time to engage with the process properly. Pushing one person faster than they can cope with often entrenches conflict rather than resolves it. Family breakdown is rarely a shared emotional moment. Much more often, it is two people travelling at different speeds towards the same junction. Recognising that difference and working with it, can make the difference between resolution and prolonged dispute.
The group I perhaps worry about most at this time of year are parents who cannot agree arrangements for their children over Christmas. For some, it is their first Christmas as separated parents. For others, separation has happened, but the future remains uncertain. Either way, emotions are high.
Christmas is steeped in tradition, family ties and expectation. During a relationship, arrangements often develop organically and work well when everyone is together. Once parents separate, those patterns often no longer work for everyone.
There is no single “right” way to organise Christmas contact. For families who live close together, splitting the Christmas period can work well. Some children may love opening presents in one place and spending the afternoon with their other parent and wider family elsewhere. But where distances are greater and journeys longer, dividing the Christmas period can quickly become exhausting and disruptive. Long travel times and pressured handovers can overshadow what should be a calm and joyful day.
I was once told on a training course that discussions about child arrangements can feel like a game of tug-of-war. If parents imagine that the rope is their child, it can encourage them to stop pulling before harm is done. Sometimes one parent needs to be brave enough to put the rope down and compromise, particularly where arrangements will alternate the following year. The beneficiaries of compromises and fair decisions are the children. Children are generally more resilient and adaptable than we assume. Special celebrations can take place on any day around Christmas and still feel just as meaningful, provided children feel secure and loved.
When arrangements cannot be agreed, the stress can be intense. Outside of genuinely urgent circumstances, court is rarely a helpful way to resolve disputes. Mediation can be enormously helpful for child arrangements. It can be arranged quickly, avoids spiralling communication, and allows parents to focus on practical solutions rather than entrenched positions. Where child-inclusive mediation is possible, solutions are often found surprisingly quickly.
“Divorce Day” may make a neat headline, but it bears little resemblance to what I see in practice.
Autumn and the run-up to Christmas bring people who are at very different stages: those nearing resolution, those at the beginning of difficult conversations, those who feel stuck, those emotionally ready to move on, and parents trying to make Christmas work for their children.
Family law is not about dramatic moments or quick fixes. It is about steady, careful work – listening, supporting, explaining, and helping people move forward at the pace that is right for them.
It is, genuinely, an honour to do this work. And at this time of year, I never underestimate the courage it takes for people to pick up the phone, send an email, or walk through the door, wherever they are on their journey.
Kate Elliott is Group Director, Solicitor and Mediator and heads up our Horsham Office.