How do you get an unwilling partner to try Mediation?

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Your relationship has broken down, emotions may be running quite high. You are both trying to deal with matters, particularly if you have children together but it’s not quite working. You’ve been for legal advice or you’ve researched online and you think you would like to try mediation. You have suggested this to your ex-partner but they have refused to go to mediation.

What can you do?

The first thing you should do is to contact a mediator and have an initial conversation with them. Find out more about the mediation process and book your individual meeting with the mediator. It is then the mediator’s job to approach your ex-partner and invite them to mediation. Mediators are trained to contact the other person and tell them more about mediation.

Let the Mediator contact your ex-partner

In our experience, it’s been amazing how many times by just letting the mediator contact the other person that they then agree to try mediation. The reason for their agreement is often because they are now being asked by someone neutral, not you. Mediation is not being raised when tensions are high when there has just been a disagreement between the two of you and is seen to be part of the argument.

Understanding the reasons why someone is reluctant to attend mediation

As part of our training to be a mediator, we consider how people can be encouraged to try mediation. We are aware of the common reasons why people may feel reluctant to attend mediation. Sometimes the person feels that you are dealing with matters perfectly well between you both and the difficulties are just to be expected. We can explain how mediation can build upon what is working well between you and address the things which are not working so well.

Fear of the unknown or fear of losing control of the situation can be another reason why someone is unwilling to attend mediation. The initial individual meetings, that take place after you’ve both agreed to mediation, are designed to explain more about the mediation process which then makes the process feel less daunting. Explaining that mediation is voluntary and puts you more in control of the decision-making than going to court can help address the concern about feeling out of control.

Some misunderstand what mediation is and think it is a form of counselling designed to get you back together. Explaining that it is a process to deal with the decisions to be made following a relationship breakdown should quickly clarify that misunderstanding.

Another common reason for not attending mediation is worry about the emotions which will arise when you are with your ex-partner. Becoming upset about the situation can sometimes put some people off attending mediation. They are managing the separation and keeping the emotions under control in public but the idea of sitting together with their ex-partner feels too much. It is the mediator’s job to reassure the person that it is very normal to feel this way, that it is quite reasonable to feel emotional about the loss of a relationship and that we can take breaks in the meetings if needed.

Fear that the other person knows more about the finances than you and that you will be at a disadvantage can be another reason for a reluctance to attend mediation. It is a key part of the mediator’s job to address any power imbalance and ensure everyone understands the finances and what can happen. Without this information, you cannot make decisions about your future and so this should never be a concern for mediation as it is one of the most important things we do when mediating to ensure you are on a level playing field.

Ways for you to encourage your ex-partner to attend mediation

If your ex will not respond to the mediator’s invitation to contact them, then there are two further options available to you. Firstly, sell mediation to your ex-partner. Point out how much it costs to go to court, to instruct a solicitor to deal with matters for you. Raise how long court proceedings can take, how the court system is overwhelmed. Tell them that if you end up at court that a judge could be deciding your futures rather than the two of you. Tell them about how one of the main benefits of mediation is that it improves communication between you and respects the fact that you were once in a loving relationship.

If all that fails, speak to your solicitor. Perhaps they can write to your ex-partner and explain the process options available and that if mediation is not tried what the alternatives are, most of which cost more than mediation.

The individual meetings within the mediation process are so important and any concerns about attending mediation can be addressed.

Our team of experts are highly experienced in family mediation. We regularly advise clients on how mediation can be used as an effective way of resolving family law issues, including arrangements for children.Sarah Jelly, Hazel Manktelow, Gemma HopeKate Elliott and Mark Harrop are the teams qualified mediators. Please get in touch.

18 responses on “How do you get an unwilling partner to try Mediation?

  1. Iam married and I have 4 children with my husband, but we separated after having 2 kids had a relationship but I occasionally still see my husband and had 2 more kids with him while still in my new relationship. My relationship has ended but my ex boyfriend insisted that my two kids are his and occasionally give me money for the kids. My husband is on all my kids birth certificate as their all his kids despite we don?t live together anymore. My question is can my ex boyfriend get parental legal rights just because he has occasionally given me money for the kids and occasionally have them over to visit them as my kids see him as a second dad hence I allowed it, I don?t know if he takes me to court, where would I stand. In addition, when we were still together I was the main breadwinner in the household as my ex boyfriend not earning enough for himself.

    1. Thank you for your comment. We cannot give advice on this forum. If your ex boyfriend treated the children as children of your family then he may be given permission to make an application to the court to maintain a relationship with the children and could be required to provide financial support for them if he did that. However, we would need to know a lot more detail about your situation to be able to advise you as to the likelihood of your ex boyfriend being able to maintain a relationship with the children. You are welcome to contact me directly for further details on how I or mediation could help.

  2. I have been separated for over 5yrs, I have re- married and had another child. My ex – makes it difficult for me to see my other daughter, see refuses now to drop or pick up my daughter I have to do both runs, can she do this? She refuses to talk and I have suggested mediation before. I have always paid child support, she has a good life style and makes everything difficult, I thought she would be happy as she as a new boyfriend. What are my options I do please?

    1. Thank you for your comment. It must be difficult for you. I’d recommend that you contact a mediator to start the mediation process and the mediator can contact your ex to invite her to mediation. You may find that your ex responds differently to the mediator than she does to you.

  3. I have contacted a mediator and she said to her solicitor not that I refuse but not at this point. It has been since july 2020 that she will not let me have my 8 year old stay over and meet my newborn and partner. But as a father I have equal rights why does a mother get away with this action and solicitors do nothing so mediation you get in contact pay money and nothing still happens

    1. Thank you for your comment. It is difficult where one of you is ready to attend mediation and the other is not and will lead you to question whether this is a delaying tactic. You should ask your ex what her reasons are for not starting mediation yet and what difference a delay will make. Will she commit to an appointment on a set date in the future which is a compromise from both of you – you have to wait longer than you would like but she has to start mediation earlier than she would ideally want to? If not, you need to consider your other options for moving forward and take advice on your situation.

  4. I have already tried mediation once & my partner refused to attend. Now he is demanding that I go to mediation again but I do not have any contact details for him such as address etc. Where do I stand please?

    1. Thank you for your comment. Do you need your ex partner’s address to start the mediation process? Could he not contact a mediator and pass on your details or you contact the mediator and provide them with the details you have for your ex partner? You could then use mediation to discuss the need to provide contact details within mediation and why these are required.

  5. i have been stopped from seeing my son ,
    total on and off for 4 years, last time because covid and the fear of it, she contacted me saying i could have contact but by facetime i had this it was better than nothing.
    i asked when i could see him , she replied when a parenting aggreement is done , i did this and she palmed it off and just said she wasnt happy with it, i asked what needs changing and no reply. i said i cant afford to go to court she said its not her problem, i stated about mediation and she said no . then because i contacted the school to see how he was doing she blocked me on everything so i have no contact again.

    1. Thank you for your comment. It must be very difficult for you. I would suggest you contact a mediator and ask them to contact your ex to see how she responds to them rather than to you. You would need to meet with a mediator before you can consider a court application and they will talk to you about options for moving forward. It’s well worth taking advice as well and having an initial meeting with a solicitor.

  6. For the last 6months since my partner left I have picked my daughter up from nursery at 4:30pm Mon,Thurs and Fridays and recent months had her dropped off to me on Wednesdays so she can go to the gym and have her til 7pm of which I’ve gone to parks fed, bathed and got her ready for bed and then had to either drop her off at her mums or she will pick her up. I’ve also had my daughter all day Saturday and over night until 5pm Sunday. I was unaware of my rights and also didn’t want to lose time with my daughter. Now I have asked for 50/50 custody because I think its healthy for her to stay over during the week and not get dragged away when she’s settling. This will not effect my work. Also i pay child support of £50pw and contribute to ballet, swimming, cloths etc. She has lost it and refused. Unfortunately she has met someone else very quickly introduced my daughter and she’s now waddling into their bedroom in the morning of which I disagree with but also only have these nice moments on a Sunday morning but she believes I’m bitter which is not the case. Am I being unreasonable to want to have 50/50 custody and will mediation be better than arbitration for me? Thanks

    1. Thank you for your comment. We cannot give advice on this forum as to whether it is right that you seek an sharing of your daughter’s care and what the prospects of success are. I can, however, recommend that you try mediation before you consider arbitration. Mediation will give you and your ex partner the chance to talk, try to improve communication and try to agree the way forward. If mediation does not work then you could consider arbitration.

  7. good evening all, i have attended my miam meeting as requested by my ex partner a week ago, during my miam, my mediator stated that my ex partner is going down the domestic abuse route, which is heartbraking, so she didnt need to attend her miam, we split up nearly a month ago, why would she ask me to initiate the mediation in the first place? i have had zero contact with our son since and hes 2

    1. Thank you for your comment. Have you discussed why you were invited to a Miam with the mediator? They will probably be best placed to explain what happened and why.

  8. I’m thinking of trying to get my child’s father to attend mediation for her sake. He currently has no plan to see her regularly, I want to do this so I’ve tried everything to get him in her life. What is the average cost for a mediator to contact an ex-partner?.

    1. Thank you for your comment, Helen. It will vary from mediator to mediator as to whether they charge to contact your ex partner to invite them to mediation. I would not normally charge to send him an invitation to mediate but other mediators may charge a small fee.

  9. Husband said he wanted to divorce me Dec 2017. Things went quiet but I coped badly so he then told our three children Dec 2018. We attended a mediation miam 2019 but he then said he’d changed his mind and we didn’t go ahead. Subsequently he moved out June 2021, second Miam took place July 2021 but he now seems to be delaying the next step of providing financial information. What should I do?

    1. Thank you for your comment. I would recommend that you raise your concerns about the lack of financial disclosure with your mediator and they will be able to give you information as to the options available to you if your ex husband continues to be slow in providing financial information. You may need to consider engaging a solicitor to contact your ex husband to set out the consequences of failing to provide financial information.

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