Navigating the Grief Cycle During Divorce: Impact on Separated Parents

Co-Authored by Yasmin Jeffrey

Divorce is often considered one of the most emotionally challenging life events, and for separated parents, the experience can be even more complex. Beyond the legal processes, financial adjustments, and co-parenting logistics, individuals also navigate the emotional and psychological fallout of a marriage ending. One of the most insightful frameworks for understanding the emotional journey of divorce is the grief cycle, which can deeply impact the way separated parents cope with the transition.

Understanding the Grief Cycle in Divorce

The grief cycle can be applied to the emotional response to a divorce. While not everyone experiences these stages in the same order or with the same intensity, they offer a helpful roadmap for understanding the emotional turbulence many separated parents experience.

The stages of grief include:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

1. Shock and Denial: The Protective Shield

In the initial stages of divorce, it’s common for a parent to experience denial. They may try to convince themselves that things will work out, that they can still save the marriage, or that their divorce will not have a considerable impact on their current life, and they won’t need to make big changes. For parents, this could manifest as a reluctance to accept that co-parenting will become the new normal. Denial serves as a coping mechanism, allowing individuals to process overwhelming emotions slowly.

In some cases, a person might continue engaging with their former spouse as though they are still together, in the hope that the family will reunite. This is particularly difficult for parents with children, as they may feel guilty about what impact the divorce will have on their children and that guilt may be the motivator for trying to keep the relationship going.

2. Anger: The Heat of Emotion

As the reality of the divorce sets in, anger often follows. For separated parents, this anger can stem from various sources, including unresolved resentment from the relationship, the perceived unfairness of the situation, or even frustration with co-parenting arrangements. Who gets what in a divorce can take significant time and energy to agree. A parent might feel betrayed, overwhelmed, or abandoned by their former spouse, which can exacerbate their emotional state.

In this stage, parents might have angry outbursts, blame each other for the end of the marriage, or feel angry at the changes to their daily lives. It’s essential to acknowledge that anger is a natural part of the process, but it can be harmful if not managed appropriately. If not addressed, anger can spill into interactions with the children or co-parent, potentially harming the co-parenting relationship and causing the children to be exposed to unnecessary conflict, which should be avoided.

3. Bargaining: Trying to Make Deals

During the bargaining phase, parents may attempt to negotiate with themselves or their ex-spouse to find ways to avoid the emotional pain of divorce. They might make promises to change their behaviour or ask their former spouse to reconsider their decisions. For separated parents, bargaining can also manifest as attempts to keep the family unit together in some form, even if it means sacrificing their own needs or desires.

Unfortunately, bargaining rarely leads to significant changes and may only prolong the emotional distress as one comes to terms with the new reality.  It can also negatively impact the children involved, if their parents are not able to decide on suitable arrangements or put in place plans only to continually change them as part of the bargaining process.

4. Depression: The Weight of Loss

As the finality of divorce settles in, many separated parents experience feelings of sadness and despair. This is often referred to as the depression stage, where the full weight of the loss is felt. For parents, this can include mourning the end of the relationship, the disruption of family life, and the uncertainty of the future.

In this phase, feelings of loneliness and isolation can become pronounced, especially if the parent feels disconnected from their children or unable to maintain an amicable relationship with their ex-spouse. It’s also common to experience a sense of failure, especially when dealing with the societal pressure of having a perceived “broken family” and the parental guilt that comes with this negative association.

This stage can be particularly difficult, as it may feel like there is no end in sight. Seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor during this stage can help parents process their emotions and gain the support they need.

5. Acceptance: Embracing a New Reality

The final stage of the grief cycle, acceptance, is not about being “happy” about the divorce, but rather acknowledging the new reality and moving forward. For separated parents, this might mean embracing co-parenting, finding new ways to spend quality time with children, and beginning to rebuild a life after the marriage.

Parents in this stage might be able to recognise that their children will adapt to the new “normal” and can thrive despite the changes. They understand that while their family unit may have changed, it is definitely not broken and their role as a parent remains critical and meaningful.

In this phase, parents may start developing healthier communication with their ex-spouse, prioritising the well-being of their children, and creating new traditions and routines. This phase is often marked by a sense of hope, as the future becomes less clouded by grief and more open to new possibilities.

Impact on Separated Parents: The Ripple Effects

For separated parents, the grief cycle can have a profound impact on many aspects of their lives:

• Co-Parenting Challenges: The emotional ups and downs can make it difficult to collaborate with an ex-spouse on shared parenting responsibilities. Parents may struggle to make joint decisions, which may result in conflict between them.  It is important that during this cycle parents keep the children’s best interests at the forefront of their decision making and behaviour, to avoid the children being exposed to conflict.
• Parent-Child Relationships: Children are often sensitive to the emotional changes of their parents, and the grief cycle can cause disruptions in how parents interact with their children. Depressed or angry parents may have difficulty offering the emotional support children need, while denial might prevent them from seeing how their own emotional struggles are affecting the family dynamic.
• Mental Health Strain: The stress of moving through the grief cycle without adequate support can lead to mental health struggles such as anxiety, depression, or feelings of inadequacy. Seeking therapy or counselling can help parents manage their mental health during this challenging period.

Moving Forward

It’s essential for separated parents to remember that navigating the grief cycle is not a linear or time-bound process. Parents may move back and forth between stages whilst they are trying to navigate through the difficult stages of separation. Taking care of one’s emotional needs, seeking support from family and professionals, and focusing on the well-being of the children can help parents process their grief while building a positive future for themselves and their family. Please contact us to discuss your own individual situation.

Polly Dallyn is a Senior Associate and Mediator and Yasmin Jeffrey is a Trainee Solicitor and in our Horsham Office.