Parallel parenting – what is it and who is it for?
Parallel parenting is a parenting style that some separated parents chose to follow as an alternative to a more traditional co-parenting approach. Hannah Gumbrill-Ward explains more about this way of parenting and who it might work for.
Parallel parenting is parenting style where separated parents who share the care of their child / children (whether by agreement or in accordance with a court order) raise them independently and with their own particular parenting style. Parents will have no or very limited contact with one another, and any contact they do have will often be ‘formal’ and conducted through solicitors or a third party.
While parents will continue to share parental responsibility for their children, they will raise them independently of one another, making day-to-day decisions in accordance with their views about parenting and what is best for their children.
By way of reminder, parental responsibility is all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child. You can read more about parental responsibility in my colleague Beth’s blog here: https://www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/parental-responsibility-in-the-uk
We often talk about co-parents and co-parenting with an emphasis on the ‘co’ – separated parents who work together and share parenting of their children. Co-parents do not always get along, nor do they always agree on every aspect of raising their children, but there tends to be a willingness to work together and communicate with one another for the sake of their children.
Whereas parents who choose to parallel parent work separately from one another, without consulting one another on the day-to-day decisions and aspects of their children’s lives. That is not the case for all parallel parents, and it is very much a case of parents working out what best meets their family’s needs. However generally speaking, the idea behind parallel parenting is that there will not be consultation and communication between parents save for elements related to their parental responsibility.
For parents where domestic abuse has been a feature of a relationship, or where there has been a high conflict relationship, parallel parenting can be really useful as it does not rely on communication. As parents are parenting independently of one another, there does not need to be a high level of communication to ensure a joined-up approach. Rather communication can be kept to an absolute minimum and be solely related to the exercise of parental responsibility.
Some parents find that this style of parenting stops their children from becoming involved in ‘adult issues’ (i.e. the precise care arrangements or which parent does what).
While some families may find that this is a style of parenting that helps them, others will likely find it makes life a lot harder. If parents are not communicating and if there is no agreement for a joined-up approach to parenting, it risks the children feeling torn between, and in the middle of, their parents’ hostility.
In practice, parallel parenting might be very difficult to achieve because a necessary part of parenting is communication. There are lots of ways that parents who are struggling with co-parenting and communication can get help, without them needing to completely stop consulting with one another about their children.
These include:
Other things that might assist parents struggling with communication include:
When parenting apart, it is often helpful for you and your partner to agree upon a plan as to how you wish your children to be raised. If parents are not living together, the opportunities to discuss parenting choices, such as whether or not your child should have a flu jab, are limited.
A written parenting plan not only sets out the practical arrangements for your children, it creates a point of reference for parents and helps each parent understand what is expected of them.
The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (known as ‘CAFCASS’) have a template on their website, along with a number of tips and tricks, to help you put together a written plan. A link to these resources may be found here: https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parenting-together/parenting-plan/
Co-parenting can represent a number of logistical challenges, particularly if you find communicating with your co-parent difficult. Thankfully, there are now a range of apps that are available which aim to alleviate these difficulties, including Our Family Wizard.
Many apps feature messaging services, shared calendars, and an information log allowing you to easily access things like your child’s medical information and important contact numbers. The purpose of these apps is to have a central record of all information, accessible by both parents, so everyone knows what is happening and when. In turn, this should help to minimise stress and confusion, reduce conflict and promote a better co-parenting relationship.
A family consultant is a trained relationship therapist and/or coach who is there to help couples navigate their way through the process of separation and co-parenting.
A family consultant will be able to provide both practical guidance and emotional support, and will help individuals and couples to communicate more effectively, minimise conflict, compile a parenting plan. They will also help parents adjust to their co-parenting relationship, plan a new future, and introduce new partners.
If you are interested in parallel parenting, then the chances are that you are already not communicating effectively with your co-parent. As such, you may need the assistance of a third party like a mediator or a family consultant.
If you would like to find out more information about any of the issues above, please contact a member of our expert team.
Hannah Gumbrill-Ward is a Senior Associate Solicitor at our Brighton office.